Putting An End To The Gay Marriage Problem

If you watched the Ellen Show today, then you saw her attack John McCain over his views against gay marriage. If you’re like me then you don’t watch the Ellen Show. Thanks to the magic of the internet though, we can watch the clip of her pushing her political views on a professional politician.

First of all let me say to all of the gay marriage advocates and all of the anti-abortion nuts out there, FUCK YOU! That’s right, FUCK YOU! It’s not that I’m for, or against your cause, it’s just that we have SO MANY other problems in this country that outweigh your personal crusades. (NOTE: I can’t wait for the hate mail accusing me of calling “civil rights” a personal crusade.) I pray to God, and I know you internet heathens don’t believe in such a thing, but I pray to God we don’t elect a President who puts gay marriage above the economy, or the war, or global warming. Just to name a few causes more noble than yours.

Not to fear though, I have the answer to the gay marriage problem. Legally end marriage. That’s right no marriage for anyone, at least in the legal sense. First of all, marriage is a religious ceremony, and if I remember correctly in this country we have something called separation of church and state. What we’ll have instead is you share your life with someone and you want to be able to file joint tax returns, share insurance, and what ever other rights we currently give married couples, then you can go down to your local court house and for a small fee fill out the paper work and become “family partners”. There you have it, equal treatment for everyone.

Now, since everything in life can’t be that simple, and since I know not everyone will agree with the plan I laid out, here’s the hitch. You can still get married. That’s right, if you want to go ahead and gather your family and friends and stand before a man of God and get married, you still have that right. As I said before, marriage is a religious ceremony, so it will be up to your personal religion to decide weather or not they allow gay marriage. The only difference is now it wont matter to or elected officials, because marriage won’t be recognized by the law, only family partners.

Now, wasn’t that simple? Everyone happy? No, and you know what? There is no plan in existence for anything in this life that is going to make everyone happy. At least with this plan I’ve found a way to treat everyone equal and fair and preserve the civil rights of everyone in this great country of ours.

I’m sure this little post of mine has pissed off a lot of people, namely the gays and the right wing anti-abortion wackos, so while I’m at it I think I’ll piss off another group just for the hell of it. I’d like to send a big FUCK YOU to the ACLU. You are the worst thing to happen to this country since that hillbilly started painting Wal-Mart on the front of buildings and sending American jobs to China. Nothing good has ever come from your existence. I’m going to do everyone in this country a great service and suggest everyone involved in the ACLU digest the business end of a .45 magnum. Oh great, I just advocated suicide, I guess that makes me the Jack Kevorkian of bloggers.